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From Laura’s Testimony

From Laura’s testimony.

I would like to share with you these lines, written on the spot the first time I heard about Lunàdigas.

I am Laura, I am 45 years old and I have never seen myself as a mother or as a wife. I have clear memories of myself and my desires as a child, as a teenager, as a young woman. I’ve always had many life projects, always full of ideas and dreams… I have tried (and  still do) to turn them into a real thing. As a child with determination, as a teenager with impatience and recklessness, and as a woman with commitment. I was never afraid of taking risks, I took full responsibility for all my actions, and knowing that my choices depended only on myself – and mainly affected only my life – was always a huge relief for me.

I have a good relationship with most children, but that has never stopped me from thinking that I didn’t want any of my own.

I wasn’t interested in this exclusive bond, at least. Because I am convinced that we are all each other’s children, parents, brothers and sisters.

But this is a shared commitment.

I often think that I am too conscientious to take responsibility – for a very long time – for the life of another living being, be it a child, a pet, an emotionally dependent adult or someone who would entrust me with the fulfilment of his or her happiness, or even a plant.

“These things are for irresponsible people,” I tell myself.

I want to be free to do and undo as I please. To turn my life upside down, if I wish to do so.

I am not saying that freedom passes only through this choice, but as for myself, I could not see  – and still can’t – any other path.

For me, it was a normal course of events. I didn’t need to think about it, it felt all along as a very natural awareness, and I never had any doubts about it.

I am grateful for the situation I am in. After all, often you become a mother almost by chance, so I believe I had a bit of luck too. Although there are not many things that scare me, motherhood and marriage have always aroused in me a little fear.

I have nothing against other people’s desire for parenthood, but the way it is narrated and experienced sometimes certainly irritates me.

I find irritating the idea that being a parent is enough to fulfil a whole life – or even more than one; adults who seem to lack clarity when talking about children, giving them super powers they don’t have; and parenting that leaves no room for anything else, either for oneself or for others.

I think this attitude is much more selfish than mine.

Not having children, and living my relationships for as long as there are reasons for them to last, my life has been and still is full of interests, experiences, thoughts, connections, and friends and family.

I find amusing that others believe I have a lot of free time, because what some consider a void, for me is a space filled with plenty of things.

Another aspect behind my decision not to have children was my desire to search for my inner thoughts and my true self, trying to understand other people’s perspectives and  gaining a deeper comprehension of others, of life, of death, of nature.

I couldn’t have been an existentialist. I would have led a life in pursuit of the concrete and being in the everyday, constrained in a set place and in a limited time.

I’ve always seen these sacrifices as a damnation.

I don’t think it is fair having to explain or justify ourselves (with someone who has a morbid view of our choice or condition), and I find amazing that we can talk about it … with an open mind and an open heart, like any other aspect of our life.

Cheers.

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