Women from diverse backgrounds and cultures reflect on the social expectations surrounding motherhood and the experiences of those without children. Amidst family pressures, patriarchal norms and unconventional life paths, new ideas about care, parenthood and emotional relationships are emerging.
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SARA: «I don’t know if it’s a choice or not, I don’t see this with clarity, I don’t see it as much. I come from two cultures, from the US and from Sudan. Does everybody know where Sudan is? Northeast Africa, kind of. Very different contexts, but in both cultures, I would say that… women who don’t have children, I’m not going to say choose or not choose or whatever, they don’t have children, after a certain age they are demeaned, they are made lower. I think in the US, there is a lot of pressure to say it’s a choice. You have to have a choice, and then when you don’t have children you are supposed to have a really fun life. It’s supposed to be somehow better than women’s lives who have children. And on top of it, either that, or you are supposed to be hyper successful at work. You can’t be a normal person, you can’t just be a woman who has a boring life and a shitty job, or whatever. This is the American context.
In the Sudanese context, what you have is… children are very much linked to marriage, because it’s so difficult to have children outside marriage, you pretty much lose everything, every kind of support, if you do that. In that context, it’s always linked to getting married, because the tick tock is also about finding a man, settling down before all your eggs are gone.
There is that very strong pressure and very demeaning kind of words for women… I’ve never thought about it before, but there’s a word, ‘bayra’, a very demeaning word, which is used a lot by comedians as well, in popular culture. I don’t actually know what the origin of that word is, but it gives you the sense of something that’s been on the shelves and expired. I mean, I don’t know if my interpretation is correct, but it’s like you are undesired, often because you didn’t make enough of an effort. You didn’t make yourself pretty enough, or whatever is that you are supposed to do to get married.
And then there’s the generation of women like my mom, who don’t like men at all, she was married and had the kids, but she has a very low opinion of men. She doesn’t care anymore about… you know, the marriage piece, except you need to have it, because… that’s how you have children. She always says: “You can get rid of him after, just have children”. And I think what’s interesting is… My older sister has children… A couple of years ago, I had a mental health crisis, I reached out to my mom, but my mom couldn’t do much for me, because for her, mental health is a very American thing. I don’t know, cultural stuff like “You know, you just need to be strong…” But I realized that she was feeling very bad later, because she sort of had an explosion once, and said like: “When are you going to have children? I will be too old to help you with the children”. So, for her, in her mind, this woman who is not traditional in any other way, very much felt that her role also as a grandmother, is to help me with the children. And if I didn’t have children, our relationship, what does it mean, anymore? The support I’m asking for, it’s not something she can provide, but she can provide support to me as a mother, helping me with the children. So, I felt very excluded from… because with my sister, as difficult their relationship is, she knows what to do with her. There’s a script, you know? This is how you help her, with the housework, the children… With me, it’s like we are in new territory, where he doesn’t know how she can help me. And I think it’s also very stressful for her, “What’s this woman’s life going? What is my daughter’s life going to look like without children?” I think, I also want to reject, in both contexts… I don’t want to go about: “this is my choice, look at me, I’m playing an instrument, travelling the world, my life is so fantastic because I’m child-free”, which is an expression I don’t like either, as it seems like a disease and children are not a disease, either. I like that you’ve came up with a different word, I feel I need one, too. At the same time, I think that to be accepted as someone who doesn’t have children, and be still valued and supported, is a really big struggle, whether it’s a choice or not.
The difference is that she grew up most of her life in Sudan, I grew up most of my life outside. You know, I’m interested in children, but in other ways. Like I always think of myself as… not that I could have been a mother, and still, it could have happened but I also think of children… for example fostering and other things, which she doesn’t understand. We also have a really difficult understanding of adoption, within our culture. People have a hard time with that concept, as well. For me, I don’t need it to be my child, I am in so many of the children’s lives of people in my life. So, she can see that, but for he it’s like… you still need to have your own children. And I don’t think we have many conversations about it. because I really don’t know how to have a conversation with her about it, and I’m not sure if it’s important enough anymore for me to do that. I mean, you know? I’m 41 years old and I’m more… It’s not that I’m at peace with it… you now, we’re forging our own lives, too, there’s a limit to experiences of someone. I’m going to some territory she doesn’t know about it, why does she have to adjust to it? She doesn’t. I tell her not to worry, but that’s about it. I think it’s a shame, but I also understand where she’s coming from. That’s what she can offer concretely, very practical help with children, but doesn’t know what to do with mental health, doesn’t know what to do with other issues that I face in my life that are different. I have friends, so it’s ok. I mean, it doesn’t always have to come from the mother.»
ALINE: «I grew up in a household where I saw my mother losing her career for children. And my father wasn’t helping. I saw there’s something wrong in this structured nuclear family itself. Since my mother is the most important person in my life, I feel that my mission is to contribute to changing this structure of family. Before this happens, I feel I should have children. But this is my circumstance, maybe if I was born in a different family, maybe I would think different. but like this right now is who I am, I don’t have children for this reason.»
INES: «I wanted to thank you for bringing up other ways of becoming a mother or a parent. I think it’s very important to think about it and talk about it and exchange our own experiences. As when we’re talking about motherhood, or not deciding to become a mother or a parent, we are often talking about biological children. And that’s another aspect of the choice maybe of saying “do I want to go through pregnancy?” and all the difficulties it entails, also within our society, not only bodily. And I think it helps very much to think about alternative ways of having a relationship to children in your life, maybe nor your own children. While adopting is very difficult sometimes because of legal issues, still we could promote also in a feminist practice, other ways of relating with children. I can’t tell you much about it from my own experience, but I once met a Spanish activist, whose name I forgot, it’s horrible, but I remember the title of his book, which is: “Maternidades subersivas”, then “Subversive Motherhoods”. She talks with many people about many ways of having a relationship with children, of being a parent. I find it so inspiring, also within feminism, because often in feminist spaces we don’t talk too much about motherhood, or having children or being a parent. And I find it very inspiring to think outside the box, from the box presented to us from society and patriarchy. To think about where is becoming a mother also as a physical experience linked to patriarchy. Why does everyone want me to do that with my body? It’s not only something in your life, but something that will happen with your body or will not.»
NINA: «The point I wanted to make is also not only about motherhood in relation to maternity of other people, but just the question of strong relationships. And I also have the experience of a lot of my friends who have children, they become closer to their parents again, so there’s a whole line of a big family. And they have hardly no time, or energy, or love, in the sense of openness the way of relating to others. And I have the feeling I have to make up for that in some way. I know I still like them a lot, they still like me a lot, but they don’t have so much energy, so I’m the one calling, proposing things, taking care of their children, organising stuff… And they are very grateful for that, but I also have the feeling that if everyone around just gets their own children, then no one is around to do that stuff. Then we’d all fall in the trap, even stronger. Then, obviously we have to analyse why do we have this trap of patriarchy and capitalism. And we have no time, as everyone works so many working hours so I guess that’s also an important layer of that. I also have the feeling I don’t want to turn down the love for my friends, but still feel I still have it and I won’t be the weird one running around like “please, love me!” But more like I’m the one still making sure our relationships still work and others also recognize that. I think that’s a missing part in society as well, that we recognize the love that’s given in friendships, only if it’s very horizontal, so if we have them all on the same level. And it’s very recognized within families. But it’s good that people are there who don’t have their own families, because they still have more love, friendship and time to give for others who might be more stressed at some point with their families.»
KIONA: «So, I told my parents I didn’t think I wanted kids when I was probably 19 or 20, and they were upset about it. My mom had a young woman who she had be mentoring for…at this point 20 years. She had kind of raised her own siblings because her own parents weren’t very present, because of immigrations issues. When she then had kids, her kids call my parents grandma and grandpa. It’s this really lovely thing where my parents have… made this relationship that I think they wanted to have. I am an only child, so they’ve made his relationship that they wanted to have without asking that of me, which is fantastic! I think it’s a relationship that they are having, and it’s not something that I can give them. And I think that’s something that I try to practice in my own life: taking and giving connections where we feel comfortable. And I just find it really interesting that they have done that, without that structure, when they’re fairly traditional otherwise. You know, they made it up themselves, this relationship.»
HENRIETTE: «I think becoming pregnant in an unnatural way would be not in their… would not fit into this image of a good… setting for a baby. So, I think the way of becoming pregnant, or the relationship the baby comes into, would be very important, too.»
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